Finding out I had Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP).

 I am trying to recall what it was like to find out I had Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP). I think I was 13 or 14, so that would be around 1978. I do remember feeling shock, very scared, and numb when they told me. I started to mentally, and social withdraw from things. If memories serves me correct, somewhere around the time they told me I had FAP there was a parade in my home town, celebrating The Apple Blossom Festival, I didn’t want to go. I wanted to go down stairs, be alone, and build something out of a bunch of scrap wood we had in the basement. I wanted to escape, pretend there was nothing wrong with me. If I didn’t talk about FAP, then it wasn’t real. I built a stand for my croquet set. It was a master piece, not really, but I loved it lol. I was very confused, over whelmed with emotions, and for some reason I guess I was embarrassed to have FAP. The last thing an insecure teen like me wanted was anything that made me feel different, or stand out in a crowd. Over the years I have had to deal with anxiety, anger, and depression brought on, or amplified by dealing with FAP. There were a number of therapist that helped me try to deal with things over the years. I got to a point in life where I could fool myself in to pretending I wasn’t worried about FAP, and that it wasn’t that big of a deal. But then reality would hit when I would have to go for one of the countless follow up endoscopy, and colonoscopy appointments. Not all of the ways I found to coupe with living with FAP were healthy, or helpful, but some how I made it into my 60’s. I had no idea I would live this long, especially watching the trouble my father had, and  he eventually passed away in 1980 from duodenal cancer as a result of FAP. There are a few ways I found helped me deal with living with FAP, physical exercise, and being outside in nature. I was never very coordinated, and I sucked at sports. I liked to secretly work out when I was young, for some reason I didn’t want people to know. As I got older I really started to see how it helped me feel good about myself, and give me a positive way to escape from all the emotions I had. Once I discovered the bike, the fact I loved to peddle it up the biggest hills I could find, and go for hours, things really started to change. I realized I could get into this strange mental place( much like a runners high) where I felt stronger the longer I went up, and the farther I went, nothing bugged me then. If I could push myself this hard physically then there really wasn’t anything wrong with me is how I saw it. I still find I do the same thing till this day, even after having a Pancreaticoduodenectomy, The Whipple Surgery, and a 140 days in hospital recovering from complications, all I wanted to do was be able to exercise, and ride my bike. I guess my point is, I found something positive to help me feel better, and coupe with the negative impact FAP has had on my life. Having the options to talk with a therapists when I need too, and sharing my thoughts has gotten me over some really rough spots. No grantee things will go like my life, but I feel very fortunate, and the only way I can pay back the Universe for my great life is by sharing some of my story. Cheers